I just pynch a tree in the face
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
