Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
