we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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