I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
