This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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