i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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