Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
