so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
