Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
