It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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