i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
