he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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