I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
