you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Randomize
