So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
