you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
