2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
