She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
