so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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