A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
