you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
