We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
