you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
