searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We had sex on a dog bed..
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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