he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
