I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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