Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
