I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
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