She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm too high and old for this...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
