I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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