just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
