is your mom at the bar?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
