I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
