totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
