I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
