There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Did we literally take a cab across the street
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
