I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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