I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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