You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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