Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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