God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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