Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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