He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
