So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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