weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
