Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
