I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
