I just saw a hot homeless man
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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