Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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