If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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