This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
