She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
two words: eviction party
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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