When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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