she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
