I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
