The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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